Monday 21 March 2011

Rocket Boots

Where the hell are my God damn rocket boots!?  When I was younger, back when cartoons didn't suck quite so much, and you could watch a rabbit shoot a duck in the face or see a coyote strap a motherfuckin' rocket to his back in the noble quest for some sweet sweet road runner meat, we were promised some things:
Food pellets
Moon colonies
and Rocket boots.
Now I don't particularly want someone to invent nourishment without taste nor do I have an aching need to hang my hat on earth's lonely satellite, but I want those rocket boots.  Want them bad.  Perhaps it's a steady diet of comics, maybe it's need implanted by video games, but how cool would commercially available rocket boots be?  Worth every one of the almost certainly widespread deaths relating to their misuse.  And there would be quite a few, I mean let's face it, as a collective we can't be trusted with lawn darts or hot coffee so rocket boots could very well represent a global threat to the existence of humanity on the level of say a giant meteor or poison squirrels, but I think it's worth the risk.
Now some of my detractors will no doubt point to the fact that man was not intended to fly by means of boot, and to them I say 'shut your fuckin' face hole!' because man wasn't meant to do a lot of things; fly, drive, live past 30, raise his kids past the age of 10, die while not being eaten by something... so screw you bible!  I think the main hurdle we have isn't technological, I believe it happens to be rooted in the lack of hope we feel today.  If more companies realized the uncontrollable, undeniable need the human soul has for rocket boots then they'd be feverishly pounding out a set and strapping them to some lucky monkey in the salt flats of Utah.  And I'd salute that furry American hero because he'd be laying down his life in the most noblest of pursuits: my happiness.   
So if you know someone working for Ford or Hasbro or Halliburton please let them now about this niche market that exists and is criminally under served.  Because in five year's time, if we can't walk into a toy store, plunk down a few hundred yuan and demand some rocket boots, size 12 extra wide, red please, well, then the terrorists truly have won.