Superman Beware

Usually I'm like "Fuck Venesala", that South American country place has more descendants sired by Nazis than Paris Hilton has cold sores, but recently I've taken an interest in how things are going down there.  And that makes little sense considering I don't even bother spelling the name of the country correctly, but Hugo Chavez, whose normal shenanigans don't even get an eyebrow raise has my undivided attention for a very specific reason, and that reason is that he is teetering on the verge of Supervillainy in an alarming way. 
That's not just casual observance mind you, it's factually verifiable.  Follow if you will... Hugo a few years ago:



Got it?  Kind of cool, rocking a beret and a fucking parrot like a Goddamn pimp.  And... wait.  Hold on, is the parrot ALSO rocking a beret!?  HOLY SHIT, no wonder he's making that face, and all while he's dressed like what I assume is a boy scout!  I could not pull this look off in the slightest, but he can.  And keep in mind as he's doing this he's simultaneously running a nation.  Awesome.  Here's another:



BOOM!  Same beret but we've added a sash and what is presumably a heil Hitler salute.  What?  He's just waving?  Prove it dick hole! 
But regardless of this seemingly relaxed, casual hatred of the Jews and having tiny bird headwear produced, he's been a pretty terrible leader.  Not crazy invade another country for no reason terrible, but he's been moving steadily toward the madness side of the spectrum for a few years now.  And if you disagree, here's what he looks like today:



If this isn't what Lex Luthor would look like if his dad was Ricardo Montalbon I don't know what is.  This guy is clearly one botched operation from taking the world hostage with some sort of sun missile, giant robot, or killer yeti goon squad. 
And I know he's been diagnosed with cancer and that sucks and I certainly don't wish him ill, but if that isn't the face of someone who's thinking about how to weaponize kryptonite I don't know what is.

God must be a douche

I kind of believe in God.  I mean to say that I'm Jewish and I follow the precepts of my faith that aren't too difficult or inconvenient, and I still capitalize the big guy's name and that's pretty much it.  I'm as faithful to the extent that local laws demand.  But I don't know if I really believe in him.  Or her.  Or them.  Whatever.  Now, on airplanes, even during smooth flights, I'm praying like a fucking Jesuit.  And if during turbulance you handed me a whip I'd flagelate myself with the gusto of an acolyte trying to make sure he didn't miss a spot on his back, but while I'm sitting here, or lying in bed at night, I can't help but think that religion is a huge sucker's bet.  And here's why... the God they tell you about, the one that interacts with us on a daily basis is an asshole.  And not just kind of an asshole, the KING ASSHOLE OF CREATION.  And I'll give you an example, and by 'an example' I'm going to ramble on for quite a spell so get comfortable.
I've seen pictures of the universe, of the sprawling area that my human brain can't comprehend, of mysteries and wonders and stars and moons and fucking weird shit that looks like smoke in space that... is so... beautiful you actually cry, and I can't help but think if an entity had time to make all this overwhelming beauty then why does it care if I jerk off?  Like God is somewhere a few trillion light years away, probably creating life cause that's what he does, and he's like "ok, the laws of physics will be a little different here and this life I'm making now will be selenium based and in a few billion years a beautiful flower will grow here that will feed a type of bird that will help polinate a sea plant that only surfaces once a year and...  hold on, is Dain Curse rubbing one out?  Yep, that's him alright.  I fucking hate that guy.  He's always doing shit like that.  I'm going to remember this.  Just got to write it down, 'send Dain Curse to hell for onanism'.  Yep.  Got it.  Cause fuck that guy."  And what does this supreme being look like?  Oh right, me.  God made us in his form, which means that guys shaves, shits, and farts.  I mean he has a cocyx for shit's sake!  And like, eye gunk?  And he sweats?  I'm sorry but I'm having a tough time keeping this down, God looks like a human?  And what's the deal with Hell anyway?!  What could you possibly do to deserve an ETERNITY in fire, and what kind of faithful, forgiving, loving person would rejoice in your burning?  And why does his unconditional love have so many conditions? 
I have a relative, I shit you not, who believes that God planted dinosaur bones in the past to fool the nonbelievers and I can't help but wonder "what kind of a prick is this guy?"  It's one thing to give us free will and accept the earth is 5000 years old on faith, but it's quite another to plant undeniable proof that the planet is much older than that, then supply nothing to counter it other than a few 3000 year old words, and THEN expect us to believe.  It's impossible!  The deck is stacked!  How can we be expected to make informed decisions when this is what we have to go on?  I have a friend, Filipino, nice girl, but she insisted that after an accident she heard the calling of God.  That she was frightened and then Jesus came to her and saved her from the tragedy.  She says that God saved her.  What I want to know is, where the fuck was God BEFORE the accident?  You're telling me this omnipotent entity let you get into this mess just to get you out of it just to take credit for the save?  That's total fucking manipulation!  Like if I hire a buddy to steal my exgirlfriend's purse and I go tackle him and get it back and she's so impressed she gets back together with me.  I mean holy shit, what an asshole.  Actually, I may try that... I'm writing that down.  I'll let you know how that works out. 
And frankly, back to this hell thing, because if I saw a parent say to a child "sweetheart, eat your veggies or I'll burn the skin from your back for eternity with sizzling flames and piercing hot metal" I'd call child services.  And that's what I think we need, child services for deities.  But you see, that can't be God.  Because God doesn't do those things.  People say God does those things.  They believe it.  And they expect you to.  This is the same compassionate God that asked Abraham to kill his son.  The same forgiving God that killed every living thing in a flood.  The omniscient God that couldn't find a naked man, the ONLY naked man in the world, in the Garden of Eden.  It doesn't add up.  If you said this shit about a public figure you'd be sued for slander, and if you printed it in an edition you'd be guilty of libel.  But you can treat a supposed figure composed of equal parts love and forgiveness this way and be extolled as a champion of morals and justice.  I don't get it.  Because you see, I'm not afraid that God exists and will get angry at me for not believing in him.  What I'm really afraid of is that God does exist, and he's exactly like we describe.