Cram It Shanghai, Cram It Wherever You Cram Things!

Men of Shanghai, if I ever hear about how much your commute sucks I'm going have you beaten on your kidneys with taffy mallets until you piss blood.  The only thing I have worth looking at on my train to work is when the local celebrity who has two big toes on each foot wears sandals and the occasional girl who is risque enough to show her ankles.  Living in Singapore is like being surrounded by Asian Amish folk.
 
The worst part of this whole thing is that there's actually people outraged in Shanghai about a girl changing clothes on their subway.  Re-read that last sentence.  I KNOW, RIGHT!?  I'm outraged too!  Outraged that she didn't get completely naked or at the very least wear thong instead of the gigantic grandma underwear that seems so popular among ladies of all ages out here.

As you enter the train, mind the gap 

And these aren't regular women, they're Asian women.  The greatest women in the world.  If this were in Greece somewhere I could understand the problem, those chicks look like wookies with hamburger for faces, but this is an exotic dame of the Orient in with a BJPT* and 8 inch heals!!!  Needless to say I'm not so scandalized to ask for a transfer to there.

Dude, who are you texting?


*Blow job ponytails

Reboots

Action Comics #1 rebooted.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Is truly nothing sacred... they brought back Barry Allen, they brought back Hal Jordan and made the 'yellow' a parallax based weakness in the Oan battery.  They even exchanged Peter Parker for Ben Reilly, his clone (different 'they' this time)!  But this shit is one step over the line.  How the fuck is this going to turn out?



             

                       Boot



Reboot

                                                        

Ok, short sleeves.  Got it.  Brilliant.  Thank you Rags Morales.  And don't tell me that they need to capture new readers because they are going to seriously alienate the people who have already invested decades of reading these story lines.  You know those guys, the guys who still actually buy comic books.  Dude, we argue over the most basic minutia of those reams upon reams of stories, and now all that effort is gone to waste because, in the DC universe, it never happened.
The real question is how come they never reboot shit that would actually be helpful?  Here's a list:

1. The Vietnam War
2. Algebra
3. My High School years
4. That night, you know which one...
5. All three of my dates with girls
6. Every season when the Yankees win the Super Bowl (sorry, I'm not a sports guy.  Gooooaaaal!)

 And those are just a few things that need reworking more than the DC universe.  Boy I wonder how Starro the Conqueror is gonna turn out!  (spoiler alert: Still sucks!)

Don't Point Break My Heart... or "The Shit They Pull, huh?!"

Ah, a Point Break remake.  It's like there's a machine in Hollywood that was programmed to come up with the worst movie ideas ever and it's stuck on 'High Output'.  This idea is so putrescent-ly bad I'm amazed that it won't be shot as a musical to capture those kids who love Glee, or have a Bodhi/Johnny Utah love scene to capture those kids who love Glee.  I mean what the shit is going on?  It's the two year anniversary of Patrick Swayze's death so they wanted to celebrate it by making his corpse roll over... Can't wait for the Dirty Dancing porn homage. 

But hey, don't worry, it's not going to be a shot for shot remake!  Instead they'll be extreme sports nuts and it's going to be set in Las Vegas!  Ok, so it's not Point Break, it's Point Break plus Drop Zone divided by XXX.  Well, at least you didn't make the sequel where Bodhi lives and a surfing Navy SEAL has to infiltrate his new team in Indonesia.  So thanks, I guess. 

"I can feel you eye fucking me"

Smoking Ape Reality Break

As the news of Andy Whitfield's sad death from lymphoma settles over me there's only one thing  that could cheer me up even a little bit (next to Ryan Reynolds being beaten to death with baby Hitler).  And that's a smoking ape!  At the Malaysian zoo in Johor Bahru an orangutang named Shirley has been known to enjoy smoking a cigarette or two in her enclosure.

 Up yours, I'm on my break

First of all I love the ideas of apes smoking cigarettes, but apparently I'm the only one since her handlers want her to quit for her health.  Ah yes, smoking bad, imprisoned in a tiny habitat good.  So far they say that she's handling the lack of smoking well with limited mood swings or acts of rage.  "Yay, less of a habit that I enjoy PLUS a longer life in which to experience my Malaysian prison!  Sure makes me glad I grabbed the banana under that net." she was probably overheard saying.

RIP Spartacus

Today actor Andy Whitfield succumbed to his battle with lympoma in his home in Australia.  While I've long maintained that the fight scenes in Spartacus were the bastard love child of 300 and Gladiator, if the two were close blood relatives, Mr. Whitfield's performance throughout the series was pretty badass as he crushed his enemies, saw them driven before him, and heard the lamentation of the women.  When this guy wasn't busy raising the he-man index for the rest of us he was successfully out Russel Crowe-ing Russel Crowe. 
I've very sorry to hear of his passing, he will be missed.

I've killed more people than cholera

SpongeBob in "Hot Water"

Oh mainstream yahoo news, your puns slay me!  However, it turns out that watching just 9 minutes of SB will shorten children's short term memories, a recent study says.  Seriously, did anyone have some sort of doubt that allowing kids to watch SpongeBob might not have ill effects on them?  I mean look at him...

Seems educational

  I'm not advocating that we ban him but come on, I watched Ren and Stimpy when I was younger and at no point was I convinced that I wasn't doing severe long term damage to my brain, morals, and whatever else Republicans try to legislate.  Listen, if you have kids who watch SpongeBob then you are probably old enough to remember Loony Tunes, and this is no Loony Tunes.  There we can learn how to strap rockets to desert animals, dress rabbits like hot, sexy dames, and hit a duck so hard his beak revolves around his head like a freakin' propeller.  Now THAT'S entertainment that won't endumben you!                        

George Lucas You Monster

Not pictured: Sarlacc pit

                                            

For those of you not aware George Lucas is building a new office in Singapore (where I live) designed to look like a giant Sandcrawler.  Holy shit!  I just read that last sentence, is that true?!  Please tell me I didn't just make that up, because the same person that grabbed both of my ears and shoved Jar Jar Binks down my throat like he thought I had control of my gag reflex like Shyla Styles could not possibly possess the creativity to have something this gorgeous built! 
I'm feeling light headed.  Just look at it!  I bet none of the doors on the trash compactors on the detention level have locks!  Man, that would be awesome.  Personally, I can't wait until it opens because there are about 800,000 Muslim women in this country (all very nice and have great senses of humor), many of which wear headscarves that will make this look so much more authentic when they walk by!

Not Jawas, don't be a dick

What's even more realistic about this thing is that Singapore is actually hotter than Tatooine, so it's gonna feel pretty real.  I don't know when they're breaking ground here or where this is going up but I can tell you that it'll be hard not to throw eggs at it nightly until Lucasfilm fires that incompetent fat guy with the beard that keeps ruining Darth Vader.  "Nooooooooooooo!" he cries in my dreams.