For the uninitiated, here's a good example of his different moods:
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| Angry |
 |
| Terrified |
 |
| Happy |
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| Enraged |
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| Thinking about how funny dead puppies are |
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| Confused |
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| Jealous |
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| Surprised |
Sunday, 11 September 2011
Ryan Reynolds' Range of Emotions
Those of you familiar with this blog will know instinctively that of all the people in the universe Ryan Reynolds is the most hated when it comes to acting in movies based on comic books. The reason is clear to anyone who's had the misfortune of actually watching him: a smurf wouldn't have much problem touching both ends of his acting range simultaneously.
For the uninitiated, here's a good example of his different moods:
You see what I'm saying here? Keanu Reeves exudes more emotion than this guy and that's amazing since he doesn't have a single muscle in his face. So here, finally, is the scientific proof that Ryan Reynolds is not just a crappy actor, but also a class A douche. Don't say I never did nothing for you.
For the uninitiated, here's a good example of his different moods:
An Ode to Booth Babes
Come gather round geeklings and I'll sing you a song,
of a love so pure it cannot be wrong,
I sing of the ladies who make comic cons so great,
that you leave a bit early to go masturbate,
It's true that their skills lie not in their head,
they don't know the difference between Hulk Green and Hulk Red,
To want to caress them won't make you a felon,
but resist the call to grab even one melon,
It's true that their heads aren't filled with the best,
but we love the twelve pounds that live on their chest,
Without them the convention would not be the same,
but they should never write books because that's fucking lame!
They play like they love you (I'm sure that you reckon),
but that only lasts for maybe ten seconds,
To think you've a chance is a total crock,
but you should still use Masturbation Memory Lock,
They fly from warm and exotic lands,
to enjoy your leering, and hover-hands,
So take a quick pic of Power Girl made real,
but the bouncers will kill you if you cop a feel,
And heed my advice if you be nerd or geek,
you haven't a shot you 400lb freak!
of a love so pure it cannot be wrong,
I sing of the ladies who make comic cons so great,
that you leave a bit early to go masturbate,
It's true that their skills lie not in their head,
they don't know the difference between Hulk Green and Hulk Red,
To want to caress them won't make you a felon,
but resist the call to grab even one melon,
It's true that their heads aren't filled with the best,
but we love the twelve pounds that live on their chest,
Without them the convention would not be the same,
but they should never write books because that's fucking lame!
They play like they love you (I'm sure that you reckon),
but that only lasts for maybe ten seconds,
To think you've a chance is a total crock,
but you should still use Masturbation Memory Lock,
They fly from warm and exotic lands,
to enjoy your leering, and hover-hands,
So take a quick pic of Power Girl made real,
but the bouncers will kill you if you cop a feel,
And heed my advice if you be nerd or geek,
you haven't a shot you 400lb freak!
 |
| You haven't got a shot |
 |
| Nope, not here either |
 |
| Mom?! |
Geeks vs Nerds
I'm sick of the controversy so here's the final word in the definition of geeks and nerds and I'll keep it succinct since I know thirty seconds is about as long as any of you can pay attention to what I'm writing.
Geeks like science fiction, nerds like science fact.
There it is. If you know what a Wompa is, if you've ever yelled at someone who said that Data is a robot, if you've ever corrected someones Elvish then you are a Geek. And I love you for it, I get it. It's in my blood. I've drank deep from the geek draught outside of Wolverine: Origins trying to price out how much an adamantium bullet would cost and why the hole in this skull didn't show up in the first movie when Jean Grey gave him that MRI. We often look like this:
BUT, if you know what a quark is, if you can tell me anything past the third digit in Pi, or you speak in fucking binary you are a nerd. A glasses wearing, calculus loving, gay for science nerd. Nothing wrong with it, some of my best friends can nerd out with the best of them and they look very much like this:
And yes there are sexy versions of each of these and we all know how super-fucking common that is, but that's for a later post. I just want to settle the point that the geek is someone who will discuss the difficulty of coming out of warp ten after you separate a saucer section and a nerd can tell you what the speed of light really is. Get it right people.
Geeks like science fiction, nerds like science fact.
There it is. If you know what a Wompa is, if you've ever yelled at someone who said that Data is a robot, if you've ever corrected someones Elvish then you are a Geek. And I love you for it, I get it. It's in my blood. I've drank deep from the geek draught outside of Wolverine: Origins trying to price out how much an adamantium bullet would cost and why the hole in this skull didn't show up in the first movie when Jean Grey gave him that MRI. We often look like this:
 |
| Best Geek Ever |
BUT, if you know what a quark is, if you can tell me anything past the third digit in Pi, or you speak in fucking binary you are a nerd. A glasses wearing, calculus loving, gay for science nerd. Nothing wrong with it, some of my best friends can nerd out with the best of them and they look very much like this:
 |
| Nerdlinger VonDorkenbaum |
WTF is this?!
I'm sorry, being an expat in Singapore often means that pop culture moments can go unnoticed by me but what the hell is this:
Are these supposed to be fucking smurfs in an urban setting, are we supposed to believe that a mythological creature three apples high has any business being in New York City? You've got to be shitting me! And this 3D enhanced imaging bullshit is more offensive than if this were a porn where Hollywood producers repeatedly raped Peyo's corpse for an hour and a half.
Like I get it, parents will put anything in front of their kids that will keep them silent for ten whole minutes, but this is where I draw the line at what is acceptable children's viewing:
It's a Scottish smurf. And he has mutton chop sideburns. Do you know how much absinthe you have to drink to make this azure shit even remotely interesting? This sucks more blue cock than that chick who was dating Dr Manhattan in The Watchmen. You may think this isn't a big deal but imagine what kind of crap the kids who grow up on this stuff will produce when they're older!
Gnap!
Are these supposed to be fucking smurfs in an urban setting, are we supposed to believe that a mythological creature three apples high has any business being in New York City? You've got to be shitting me! And this 3D enhanced imaging bullshit is more offensive than if this were a porn where Hollywood producers repeatedly raped Peyo's corpse for an hour and a half.
Like I get it, parents will put anything in front of their kids that will keep them silent for ten whole minutes, but this is where I draw the line at what is acceptable children's viewing:
It's a Scottish smurf. And he has mutton chop sideburns. Do you know how much absinthe you have to drink to make this azure shit even remotely interesting? This sucks more blue cock than that chick who was dating Dr Manhattan in The Watchmen. You may think this isn't a big deal but imagine what kind of crap the kids who grow up on this stuff will produce when they're older!
Gnap!
Thursday, 1 September 2011
Stealing cookies from a pregnant lady
Yeah, I know it sounds bad but is it really? Probably, but if it was so terrible I figure God would have stopped me, and since he didn't I don't see how it's not sanctioned by the Catholic church itself, so take it up with Pope Knowitall, fart-face. But to be honest I recognize that that argument only goes so far, so before you judge me here's a few facts to better gauge the depth of my depravity:
1. The box they're kept in is see-through.
2. There are so many of them that the number can only be described as profane.
3. There's no lock on the box.
4. I like cookies.
My office is completely desserted now since school is out and everyone is either on break or at a meeting and I've been alone with a box full of cookies without partaking for quite some time. I didn't steal cookies from the box mostly because I was laboring under a delusion that doing so would be wrong because stealing is wrong, but if that's true that we shouldn't graze at the grape section of a supermarket and that's the most victimless crime of them all.
However, with the theft issue out of the way I also have to contend that I was filching cookies from a pregnant lady, which is a pretty low place to be in any culture. BUT... on the other hand by not stealing the cookies I was treating my co-worker differently BECAUSE she was pregnant, and that's called discrimination and it's against the law so technically, by stealing the cookies I'm a hero. And besides, who puts cookies in a see through box! See through! It's like wearing a miniskirt to a Nascar event, in both cases you're just asking someone to sneak a grab at your cookies.
And grab them I did.
And come to think of it she's been gone for days now which could mean she's already given birth in which case she doesn't need the cookies as much anymore since miss 'I'm eating for two' is now eating for one again. Or maybe it was three, I mean twins are possible, but what am I a Epidemiologist? How should I know. What I do know is this:
1. I have the iron will necessary to steal sweets from an expectant mother.
2. I clearly don't believe in karma.
3. I don't show favoritism in the workplace.
4. Judging me only shows how bad you are.
By my count that's 3 to 0 in favor of me and the karma point being a wash. So send me your milk, I still have quite a few left.
1. The box they're kept in is see-through.
2. There are so many of them that the number can only be described as profane.
3. There's no lock on the box.
4. I like cookies.
My office is completely desserted now since school is out and everyone is either on break or at a meeting and I've been alone with a box full of cookies without partaking for quite some time. I didn't steal cookies from the box mostly because I was laboring under a delusion that doing so would be wrong because stealing is wrong, but if that's true that we shouldn't graze at the grape section of a supermarket and that's the most victimless crime of them all.
However, with the theft issue out of the way I also have to contend that I was filching cookies from a pregnant lady, which is a pretty low place to be in any culture. BUT... on the other hand by not stealing the cookies I was treating my co-worker differently BECAUSE she was pregnant, and that's called discrimination and it's against the law so technically, by stealing the cookies I'm a hero. And besides, who puts cookies in a see through box! See through! It's like wearing a miniskirt to a Nascar event, in both cases you're just asking someone to sneak a grab at your cookies.
And grab them I did.
And come to think of it she's been gone for days now which could mean she's already given birth in which case she doesn't need the cookies as much anymore since miss 'I'm eating for two' is now eating for one again. Or maybe it was three, I mean twins are possible, but what am I a Epidemiologist? How should I know. What I do know is this:
1. I have the iron will necessary to steal sweets from an expectant mother.
2. I clearly don't believe in karma.
3. I don't show favoritism in the workplace.
4. Judging me only shows how bad you are.
By my count that's 3 to 0 in favor of me and the karma point being a wash. So send me your milk, I still have quite a few left.
Saturday, 27 August 2011
Superman Beware
Usually I'm like "Fuck Venesala", that South American country place has more descendants sired by Nazis than Paris Hilton has cold sores, but recently I've taken an interest in how things are going down there. And that makes little sense considering I don't even bother spelling the name of the country correctly, but Hugo Chavez, whose normal shenanigans don't even get an eyebrow raise has my undivided attention for a very specific reason, and that reason is that he is teetering on the verge of Supervillainy in an alarming way.
That's not just casual observance mind you, it's factually verifiable. Follow if you will... Hugo a few years ago:
Got it? Kind of cool, rocking a beret and a fucking parrot like a Goddamn pimp. And... wait. Hold on, is the parrot ALSO rocking a beret!? HOLY SHIT, no wonder he's making that face, and all while he's dressed like what I assume is a boy scout! I could not pull this look off in the slightest, but he can. And keep in mind as he's doing this he's simultaneously running a nation. Awesome. Here's another:
BOOM! Same beret but we've added a sash and what is presumably a heil Hitler salute. What? He's just waving? Prove it dick hole!
But regardless of this seemingly relaxed, casual hatred of the Jews and having tiny bird headwear produced, he's been a pretty terrible leader. Not crazy invade another country for no reason terrible, but he's been moving steadily toward the madness side of the spectrum for a few years now. And if you disagree, here's what he looks like today:
If this isn't what Lex Luthor would look like if his dad was Ricardo Montalbon I don't know what is. This guy is clearly one botched operation from taking the world hostage with some sort of sun missile, giant robot, or killer yeti goon squad.
And I know he's been diagnosed with cancer and that sucks and I certainly don't wish him ill, but if that isn't the face of someone who's thinking about how to weaponize kryptonite I don't know what is.
That's not just casual observance mind you, it's factually verifiable. Follow if you will... Hugo a few years ago:
Got it? Kind of cool, rocking a beret and a fucking parrot like a Goddamn pimp. And... wait. Hold on, is the parrot ALSO rocking a beret!? HOLY SHIT, no wonder he's making that face, and all while he's dressed like what I assume is a boy scout! I could not pull this look off in the slightest, but he can. And keep in mind as he's doing this he's simultaneously running a nation. Awesome. Here's another:
BOOM! Same beret but we've added a sash and what is presumably a heil Hitler salute. What? He's just waving? Prove it dick hole!
But regardless of this seemingly relaxed, casual hatred of the Jews and having tiny bird headwear produced, he's been a pretty terrible leader. Not crazy invade another country for no reason terrible, but he's been moving steadily toward the madness side of the spectrum for a few years now. And if you disagree, here's what he looks like today:
If this isn't what Lex Luthor would look like if his dad was Ricardo Montalbon I don't know what is. This guy is clearly one botched operation from taking the world hostage with some sort of sun missile, giant robot, or killer yeti goon squad.
And I know he's been diagnosed with cancer and that sucks and I certainly don't wish him ill, but if that isn't the face of someone who's thinking about how to weaponize kryptonite I don't know what is.
Tuesday, 16 August 2011
God must be a douche
I kind of believe in God. I mean to say that I'm Jewish and I follow the precepts of my faith that aren't too difficult or inconvenient, and I still capitalize the big guy's name and that's pretty much it. I'm as faithful to the extent that local laws demand. But I don't know if I really believe in him. Or her. Or them. Whatever. Now, on airplanes, even during smooth flights, I'm praying like a fucking Jesuit. And if during turbulance you handed me a whip I'd flagelate myself with the gusto of an acolyte trying to make sure he didn't miss a spot on his back, but while I'm sitting here, or lying in bed at night, I can't help but think that religion is a huge sucker's bet. And here's why... the God they tell you about, the one that interacts with us on a daily basis is an asshole. And not just kind of an asshole, the KING ASSHOLE OF CREATION. And I'll give you an example, and by 'an example' I'm going to ramble on for quite a spell so get comfortable.
I've seen pictures of the universe, of the sprawling area that my human brain can't comprehend, of mysteries and wonders and stars and moons and fucking weird shit that looks like smoke in space that... is so... beautiful you actually cry, and I can't help but think if an entity had time to make all this overwhelming beauty then why does it care if I jerk off? Like God is somewhere a few trillion light years away, probably creating life cause that's what he does, and he's like "ok, the laws of physics will be a little different here and this life I'm making now will be selenium based and in a few billion years a beautiful flower will grow here that will feed a type of bird that will help polinate a sea plant that only surfaces once a year and... hold on, is Dain Curse rubbing one out? Yep, that's him alright. I fucking hate that guy. He's always doing shit like that. I'm going to remember this. Just got to write it down, 'send Dain Curse to hell for onanism'. Yep. Got it. Cause fuck that guy." And what does this supreme being look like? Oh right, me. God made us in his form, which means that guys shaves, shits, and farts. I mean he has a cocyx for shit's sake! And like, eye gunk? And he sweats? I'm sorry but I'm having a tough time keeping this down, God looks like a human? And what's the deal with Hell anyway?! What could you possibly do to deserve an ETERNITY in fire, and what kind of faithful, forgiving, loving person would rejoice in your burning? And why does his unconditional love have so many conditions?
I have a relative, I shit you not, who believes that God planted dinosaur bones in the past to fool the nonbelievers and I can't help but wonder "what kind of a prick is this guy?" It's one thing to give us free will and accept the earth is 5000 years old on faith, but it's quite another to plant undeniable proof that the planet is much older than that, then supply nothing to counter it other than a few 3000 year old words, and THEN expect us to believe. It's impossible! The deck is stacked! How can we be expected to make informed decisions when this is what we have to go on? I have a friend, Filipino, nice girl, but she insisted that after an accident she heard the calling of God. That she was frightened and then Jesus came to her and saved her from the tragedy. She says that God saved her. What I want to know is, where the fuck was God BEFORE the accident? You're telling me this omnipotent entity let you get into this mess just to get you out of it just to take credit for the save? That's total fucking manipulation! Like if I hire a buddy to steal my exgirlfriend's purse and I go tackle him and get it back and she's so impressed she gets back together with me. I mean holy shit, what an asshole. Actually, I may try that... I'm writing that down. I'll let you know how that works out.
And frankly, back to this hell thing, because if I saw a parent say to a child "sweetheart, eat your veggies or I'll burn the skin from your back for eternity with sizzling flames and piercing hot metal" I'd call child services. And that's what I think we need, child services for deities. But you see, that can't be God. Because God doesn't do those things. People say God does those things. They believe it. And they expect you to. This is the same compassionate God that asked Abraham to kill his son. The same forgiving God that killed every living thing in a flood. The omniscient God that couldn't find a naked man, the ONLY naked man in the world, in the Garden of Eden. It doesn't add up. If you said this shit about a public figure you'd be sued for slander, and if you printed it in an edition you'd be guilty of libel. But you can treat a supposed figure composed of equal parts love and forgiveness this way and be extolled as a champion of morals and justice. I don't get it. Because you see, I'm not afraid that God exists and will get angry at me for not believing in him. What I'm really afraid of is that God does exist, and he's exactly like we describe.
I've seen pictures of the universe, of the sprawling area that my human brain can't comprehend, of mysteries and wonders and stars and moons and fucking weird shit that looks like smoke in space that... is so... beautiful you actually cry, and I can't help but think if an entity had time to make all this overwhelming beauty then why does it care if I jerk off? Like God is somewhere a few trillion light years away, probably creating life cause that's what he does, and he's like "ok, the laws of physics will be a little different here and this life I'm making now will be selenium based and in a few billion years a beautiful flower will grow here that will feed a type of bird that will help polinate a sea plant that only surfaces once a year and... hold on, is Dain Curse rubbing one out? Yep, that's him alright. I fucking hate that guy. He's always doing shit like that. I'm going to remember this. Just got to write it down, 'send Dain Curse to hell for onanism'. Yep. Got it. Cause fuck that guy." And what does this supreme being look like? Oh right, me. God made us in his form, which means that guys shaves, shits, and farts. I mean he has a cocyx for shit's sake! And like, eye gunk? And he sweats? I'm sorry but I'm having a tough time keeping this down, God looks like a human? And what's the deal with Hell anyway?! What could you possibly do to deserve an ETERNITY in fire, and what kind of faithful, forgiving, loving person would rejoice in your burning? And why does his unconditional love have so many conditions?
I have a relative, I shit you not, who believes that God planted dinosaur bones in the past to fool the nonbelievers and I can't help but wonder "what kind of a prick is this guy?" It's one thing to give us free will and accept the earth is 5000 years old on faith, but it's quite another to plant undeniable proof that the planet is much older than that, then supply nothing to counter it other than a few 3000 year old words, and THEN expect us to believe. It's impossible! The deck is stacked! How can we be expected to make informed decisions when this is what we have to go on? I have a friend, Filipino, nice girl, but she insisted that after an accident she heard the calling of God. That she was frightened and then Jesus came to her and saved her from the tragedy. She says that God saved her. What I want to know is, where the fuck was God BEFORE the accident? You're telling me this omnipotent entity let you get into this mess just to get you out of it just to take credit for the save? That's total fucking manipulation! Like if I hire a buddy to steal my exgirlfriend's purse and I go tackle him and get it back and she's so impressed she gets back together with me. I mean holy shit, what an asshole. Actually, I may try that... I'm writing that down. I'll let you know how that works out.
And frankly, back to this hell thing, because if I saw a parent say to a child "sweetheart, eat your veggies or I'll burn the skin from your back for eternity with sizzling flames and piercing hot metal" I'd call child services. And that's what I think we need, child services for deities. But you see, that can't be God. Because God doesn't do those things. People say God does those things. They believe it. And they expect you to. This is the same compassionate God that asked Abraham to kill his son. The same forgiving God that killed every living thing in a flood. The omniscient God that couldn't find a naked man, the ONLY naked man in the world, in the Garden of Eden. It doesn't add up. If you said this shit about a public figure you'd be sued for slander, and if you printed it in an edition you'd be guilty of libel. But you can treat a supposed figure composed of equal parts love and forgiveness this way and be extolled as a champion of morals and justice. I don't get it. Because you see, I'm not afraid that God exists and will get angry at me for not believing in him. What I'm really afraid of is that God does exist, and he's exactly like we describe.
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