Thor 2 Plot Revealed!

Just recently the plot to the Thor sequel has been released but so what?! I don't care if it's "Chris Hemsworth reads the phone book", I'm going to be the first white guy in Singapore to see it.   The first one was better than porn and frankly Marvel's recent movie track record has been so stellar I believe they might really have a cosmic cube creating the scripts.  And Hemsworth's Thor is damn near perfect.  I love the guy even if after watching the first one I hadn't been so confused about my sexuality since seeing Interview With a Vampire.

The only problem is that it won't be filming for another few months and then the release date is going to be in 2013, which if the Mayans are correct will be long after the world explodes.  Thanks lazy actors! 

Oh my, go swimming in your eyes?  But I didn't bring a suit...

 

A Nightmare Without End: Red Hulk Unleashed

 

You drew the stink lines and everything

I don't judge anything by its color.  Except for the Hulk because whenever he turns a different shade other than one that begins with 'g' mediocrity ensues.  Dude, he's not kryptonite, we don't have a bunch of different coloured Hulks and if we did then this version should be blue because that's what his story line did.  And this idea just won't go down, it's like DeNiro in the end of Raging Bull.   To wit: just recently released on the interweb was this supposed quote regarding the new Hulk TV series:

“David Eick and Guillermo del Toro submitted a treatment that includes the development of the Red Hulk as a villain. Thought you might like to know”

No mystery man, you are wrong, I did not want to know.  I found my iphone in the washing machine this morning (which totally had a girl's phone number on it, you don't know her she lives in Canada) and this news actually made my day worse.  What, did Ron Perlman not use up all the "Hellboy Red" body paint they whipped up?  If Ryan Reynolds was an idea, this is what he'd look like.  Holy shit, you don't think they'll give him the part, do you?  That's the worst idea ever, I can't believe you'd even say it!

Sorry, can't fix it



Avenger's Awesome, All Used Up. Sorry Clint.

I know that the uniforms for the Avengers are no doubt a costly lot, what with Iron Man's armour, Mjolnir, and pre-ripped purple pants for Dr Banner, but is this really the best they could do for Hawkeye?  What happened, did the costume master spend all the cash before it came to this uniform and just steal something from Daredevil, cut off the arms and slap it on Jeremy Renner?  I mean really, take a quick look at the comic vs movie Hawkeye:


The 'H'?  It stands for 'Handsome'

                                                              VS

I didn't even want a mask, so there


I 'm thinking "What happened to Wonderman and how come he has a bow?"  I know that he's no Green Arrow but sweet Jesus, he's not Shaft either!  Giving this guy the Image treatment is a total slap in the face, especially considering he's going to head up the West Coast Avengers one day.  How they expect Mockingbird to ever go down on a guy wearing a vest is beyond me.  Maybe they should have put more effort into his uniform than the average citizens of San Fransisco put into their brunch outfits because if this guy swooped in to save me from a burning building I'd say 'no thanks, I think I'll just wait for Moon Knight."

New Teen Titans Character is Gay. Also, Water is Wet.

Dude, you know what would get my attention?  The Teen Titans having a straight character.  You're trying to tell me that this crew has one, just one, member who actually is attracted to the opposite sex, because I don't know what the international rules are for calling 'bullshit', but I call it!  However, you be the judge, here's the team before they claim a gay dude joined:



Pictured: Three dollar bill

 I thought that was an Indigo Girls album when I first saw it.  Are you really tying to tell me that Aqua-lad has never taken a cock, because I'm pretty sure if they made dick flavoured ice cream he'd be on the package saying "Now with more nuts!"  If they couldn't be the plot for a gay porn then I've never stroked off to Power Girl.  And yet you may say "But maybe you're being a bit harsh, that intensely festive picture proves nothing."  Yeah, ok, fine.  Take a look at this and then shut up:

Working Title: "Teen Tight-Ins"

"Ah," you continue "I see your point, and that's all very well and good but that's not all the members.  You've forgotten about Cyborg.  What about Cyborg?"  Cyborg, really?  You're really bringing up Cyborg.  You mean this guy, right?

Hot Stuff, Coming Through!

The big buff black dude wearing a cleavage enhancing shiny tank top with matching speedo and silver thigh-high fuck me boots?  This guy makes prostitutes in Vegas look subtle. The only thing I know about Cyborg is that in the Teen Titans he's probably the only guy who isn't a bottom. 

And don't get me wrong here, what two spandex clad heroes consensually do to one another behind closed doors after protecting the city is none of my business.  Hell, I actually own Bunka from Oakenfold so I've got nothing against homosexuals, just don't try and tell me that a gay guy hanging out with Robin and Arsenal is something so out of the ordinary that we should take notice.  But whatever, it's a slow news day, so let's all welcome Bunker, the 'new' gay character in the Teen Titans, and I hope his powers include shooting rainbows from his eyes or transforming into a unicorn, because if they are he'll still be the manliest member right after Raven.

Ghost Rider II: Yet Another Sign of the Apocolypse

Please forgive Nick Cage's debts so there's not a part 3

Much like the avenging spirit in the movie itself, this film adaption will simply not stay dead.  I stayed away from the first one for specifically that reason; I've seen enough hapless teens get diced up by knife wielders they refused to poke with a very long stick to even go near this franchise.  This idea is so bad I'm amazed that they didn't get Brett Ratner to direct it.  We could have done anything, anything with the resources used to shit this abortion out and it would have been a better investment.  And that's before we recognize that the film it's on could have been used for a Wonder Woman movie starring Eliza Dushku.

You see, this comic was bad before it became a movie.  It wasn't like Daredevil where there was something workable despite the DPing it got from Hollywood.  No, Ghost Rider is like the worst comic ever to be made into a movie.  I'd rather watch a film version of Time Beavers or Boris the Bear than even have to know that this movie is lumbering somewhere out there ready to be shown on a screen.  If there was ever an argument for atheism this must be it.

I hate that I don't hate you Chris Evans

Can't....break....eye.....contact

                                            
Chris Evans is fucking impossible to hate.  Believe me, I've tried.  And it shouldn't be that hard considering he was Johnny Storm in both Fantastic Fours which were so unwatchable you'd have to strap me into that chair from A Clockwork Orange to get me to see a third one. 

And yet despite having this on his resume Chris Evans still seems to garner respect from me.  Is it the fact that he was Casey Jones in TMNT?  Maybe.  Was it because his killer version of Jensen in The Losers?  Shut up.  Is it because Captain America rocked almost as hard as the real America?  Yeah, maybe.
But something still rubs me the wrong way about this guy and I don't know if it's his good looks, his ridiculous physique, or his good looks but I think it must be the fact that I don't have any of those things.  Jealousy?  No.  Avarice?  Possibly.

I think it's because he's, like, the anti-Ryan Reynolds.  They both sit on the same point on the bell curve of movie acting but everything one touches turns to awesome chocolate plated gold (when you finish with the chocolate, holy shit gold!) while the other has killed more superheroes than the Secret Wars.

There's no question that if we went to High School together he'd be dunking my head in toilets so much that I'd be convinced he'd mistaken me for a toilet brush, and yet despite the pile of Indian burns this guy would gift me in gym class I can't help but still like him. 

So fuck you Chris Evans, I don't like not knowing why I like things and that's why you're a jerk.  Also, your mother.

Cram It Shanghai, Cram It Wherever You Cram Things!

Men of Shanghai, if I ever hear about how much your commute sucks I'm going have you beaten on your kidneys with taffy mallets until you piss blood.  The only thing I have worth looking at on my train to work is when the local celebrity who has two big toes on each foot wears sandals and the occasional girl who is risque enough to show her ankles.  Living in Singapore is like being surrounded by Asian Amish folk.
 
The worst part of this whole thing is that there's actually people outraged in Shanghai about a girl changing clothes on their subway.  Re-read that last sentence.  I KNOW, RIGHT!?  I'm outraged too!  Outraged that she didn't get completely naked or at the very least wear thong instead of the gigantic grandma underwear that seems so popular among ladies of all ages out here.

As you enter the train, mind the gap 

And these aren't regular women, they're Asian women.  The greatest women in the world.  If this were in Greece somewhere I could understand the problem, those chicks look like wookies with hamburger for faces, but this is an exotic dame of the Orient in with a BJPT* and 8 inch heals!!!  Needless to say I'm not so scandalized to ask for a transfer to there.

Dude, who are you texting?


*Blow job ponytails