Shalom Bitches!

One to beam up

I have moved my might blog to http://spokesgeek.wordpress.com/ so if you want to experience any more scientific proof regarding the level of suckage that Ryan Reynolds achieves head on over to the site that isn't 99% mothers posting pix of their kids. 

Robert Pattinson Set To Release Album

Sucks on and off the screen

Yeah, you read that right.  And you know it's true because news this bad can't possibly be a mistake.  Apparently after years of offending America's eyes with his 'acting' this choate is now determined to infect our ears with his patented brand of awfulness. I know that Britain is our closest ally but personally I think that if they drop this album on our unsuspecting country it should be considered an act of war.  In related news, his publicist has yet to comment on the rumors that the album cover will feature three Greek boys having sex with each other.

Blue Beetle: Champion of Alliteration Returns!

$2.99? That's how much you're going to pay me to read this, right?

There are just certain heroes that cannot be reworked no matter how many bulls you sacrifice to Ploticus, the Roman God of good writing.  And if there's one in the DC Universe it's got to be Starman.  That guy stinks on ice!  But coming in only a second or two after him is the Blue Beetle and only a filthy commie would disagree.  I don't care if the cover of his new reboot had him punching Doomsday in the dick while curing cancer, he's more boring-er than The Accountants for Abstinence. 

I mean sure, they clearly clad him in an edgy new uniform and gave him new powers, but unless those gun-hands shoot candy into my lap or his new powers allow him to transform into someone more interesting I'll skip this title and just cram a stick in my eye, but thanks anyway!

Grud on a Greenie and Drokk Me Running!!!

OK Stallone, put the script down...

I know I can be a bit negative at times, and for that I am sorry (that you're such a sensitive d-bag), but fuck the sour puss today because I just had a geek-gasm in my pants. There's going to be a new Judge Dredd movie and Karl Urban is going to star in it?!?!?  How the hell do I miss shit like this?!   Oh.  My.  Grud.  Now that guy's got one sweet mug but I hope they keep that helmet on him the whole time and avoid the problems that the original had.  Keeping Rob Schneider at bay is like half the battle right there.

You know, there are so many ways to screw up this movie, but who cares, I'm throwing caution to the wind and letting the geek flag fly!  This is sweeter than Umpty Candy, more exciting than Boing, and as invigorating as a freshly cut Stookie gland, and Grud willing this will be the stomm! 

If you can't understand a word of this, and unless you're a 35 year old virgin you can't, click here and here.

Where do I put this?  Do you really want to know lawbreaker!?

Anne Hathaway Discovers Boner Cure!



Keep your eyes closed, there may be a mirror around and you don't want to see how you look

 Had you told me just a few hours ago that Anne Hathaway in a Catwoman suit would have boner-shrinking properties I would have punched you in your mouth.  Punched you good!  And yet one glance at the above pic and I stand corrected.  Remember when this was the worst Catwoman you'd ever seen?

Haminahaminahamina

 Yeah.  I know.  I never thought I'd be looking at that with feelings of nostalgia.  My God, I miss Eartha Kitt so much right now that I'm actually considering downloading Boomerang for masturbation purposes.  Seriously.  Just to prove to myself that I can still get a hard on.  How difficult is it to dress Hathaway here in black leather and make it sexy, this shit ain't calculus!

Breaking News: REM Breaks Up! Also, REM Were Still Together!!!

Back when musicians actually played instruments

 REM, the indie band from Cretaceous period, has broken up this week which is pretty big news since they formed around the same time as the earth did.  I mean they were together back when the term 'trio' was still popular in music which must be around the same time my Grandfather killed his first German.  Frankly, I can't believe they stayed together this long, how sad is it that REM lasted longer than most marriages? 

What's also impressive is that a band that looks like the science department from a Jr College managed to achieve mainstream success.  But, despite their "widespread appeal" they have finally decided to call it quits for what I'm assuming is to spend more time with their grand kids.  When approached for a comment the president of their fan club was heard saying "The nurses are stealing my meds!"

Power Girl, Why You No Real?!

If there's one thing that I instinctively understand it's gotta be Power Girl.  How on Earth-2 can we not get a movie about this dame green lit?  It's like every time I watch a movie trailer Morgan Freeman is either narrating or starring in it.  Don't get me wrong, he's talented and all but come on, can't he just sit one out and let the studio devote a little time to Kara Zor-L?  Here's what she looks like by the way:

My eyes are right here

You see what I'm saying right?  She makes Wonder Woman look Maggie Gyllenhaal, who is so ugly that she  makes Jake Gyllenhaal look like Jamie Chung.  Who thought that chick would be good enough for Bruce Wayne anyway?  But I digress.  Hollywood, could you please take a few moments from rehashing and gang raping the entertainment from my youth to have a meeting regarding this?  You won't?!  Then screw you!

Thor 2 Plot Revealed!

Just recently the plot to the Thor sequel has been released but so what?! I don't care if it's "Chris Hemsworth reads the phone book", I'm going to be the first white guy in Singapore to see it.   The first one was better than porn and frankly Marvel's recent movie track record has been so stellar I believe they might really have a cosmic cube creating the scripts.  And Hemsworth's Thor is damn near perfect.  I love the guy even if after watching the first one I hadn't been so confused about my sexuality since seeing Interview With a Vampire.

The only problem is that it won't be filming for another few months and then the release date is going to be in 2013, which if the Mayans are correct will be long after the world explodes.  Thanks lazy actors! 

Oh my, go swimming in your eyes?  But I didn't bring a suit...

 

A Nightmare Without End: Red Hulk Unleashed

 

You drew the stink lines and everything

I don't judge anything by its color.  Except for the Hulk because whenever he turns a different shade other than one that begins with 'g' mediocrity ensues.  Dude, he's not kryptonite, we don't have a bunch of different coloured Hulks and if we did then this version should be blue because that's what his story line did.  And this idea just won't go down, it's like DeNiro in the end of Raging Bull.   To wit: just recently released on the interweb was this supposed quote regarding the new Hulk TV series:

“David Eick and Guillermo del Toro submitted a treatment that includes the development of the Red Hulk as a villain. Thought you might like to know”

No mystery man, you are wrong, I did not want to know.  I found my iphone in the washing machine this morning (which totally had a girl's phone number on it, you don't know her she lives in Canada) and this news actually made my day worse.  What, did Ron Perlman not use up all the "Hellboy Red" body paint they whipped up?  If Ryan Reynolds was an idea, this is what he'd look like.  Holy shit, you don't think they'll give him the part, do you?  That's the worst idea ever, I can't believe you'd even say it!

Sorry, can't fix it



Avenger's Awesome, All Used Up. Sorry Clint.

I know that the uniforms for the Avengers are no doubt a costly lot, what with Iron Man's armour, Mjolnir, and pre-ripped purple pants for Dr Banner, but is this really the best they could do for Hawkeye?  What happened, did the costume master spend all the cash before it came to this uniform and just steal something from Daredevil, cut off the arms and slap it on Jeremy Renner?  I mean really, take a quick look at the comic vs movie Hawkeye:


The 'H'?  It stands for 'Handsome'

                                                              VS

I didn't even want a mask, so there


I 'm thinking "What happened to Wonderman and how come he has a bow?"  I know that he's no Green Arrow but sweet Jesus, he's not Shaft either!  Giving this guy the Image treatment is a total slap in the face, especially considering he's going to head up the West Coast Avengers one day.  How they expect Mockingbird to ever go down on a guy wearing a vest is beyond me.  Maybe they should have put more effort into his uniform than the average citizens of San Fransisco put into their brunch outfits because if this guy swooped in to save me from a burning building I'd say 'no thanks, I think I'll just wait for Moon Knight."

New Teen Titans Character is Gay. Also, Water is Wet.

Dude, you know what would get my attention?  The Teen Titans having a straight character.  You're trying to tell me that this crew has one, just one, member who actually is attracted to the opposite sex, because I don't know what the international rules are for calling 'bullshit', but I call it!  However, you be the judge, here's the team before they claim a gay dude joined:



Pictured: Three dollar bill

 I thought that was an Indigo Girls album when I first saw it.  Are you really tying to tell me that Aqua-lad has never taken a cock, because I'm pretty sure if they made dick flavoured ice cream he'd be on the package saying "Now with more nuts!"  If they couldn't be the plot for a gay porn then I've never stroked off to Power Girl.  And yet you may say "But maybe you're being a bit harsh, that intensely festive picture proves nothing."  Yeah, ok, fine.  Take a look at this and then shut up:

Working Title: "Teen Tight-Ins"

"Ah," you continue "I see your point, and that's all very well and good but that's not all the members.  You've forgotten about Cyborg.  What about Cyborg?"  Cyborg, really?  You're really bringing up Cyborg.  You mean this guy, right?

Hot Stuff, Coming Through!

The big buff black dude wearing a cleavage enhancing shiny tank top with matching speedo and silver thigh-high fuck me boots?  This guy makes prostitutes in Vegas look subtle. The only thing I know about Cyborg is that in the Teen Titans he's probably the only guy who isn't a bottom. 

And don't get me wrong here, what two spandex clad heroes consensually do to one another behind closed doors after protecting the city is none of my business.  Hell, I actually own Bunka from Oakenfold so I've got nothing against homosexuals, just don't try and tell me that a gay guy hanging out with Robin and Arsenal is something so out of the ordinary that we should take notice.  But whatever, it's a slow news day, so let's all welcome Bunker, the 'new' gay character in the Teen Titans, and I hope his powers include shooting rainbows from his eyes or transforming into a unicorn, because if they are he'll still be the manliest member right after Raven.

Ghost Rider II: Yet Another Sign of the Apocolypse

Please forgive Nick Cage's debts so there's not a part 3

Much like the avenging spirit in the movie itself, this film adaption will simply not stay dead.  I stayed away from the first one for specifically that reason; I've seen enough hapless teens get diced up by knife wielders they refused to poke with a very long stick to even go near this franchise.  This idea is so bad I'm amazed that they didn't get Brett Ratner to direct it.  We could have done anything, anything with the resources used to shit this abortion out and it would have been a better investment.  And that's before we recognize that the film it's on could have been used for a Wonder Woman movie starring Eliza Dushku.

You see, this comic was bad before it became a movie.  It wasn't like Daredevil where there was something workable despite the DPing it got from Hollywood.  No, Ghost Rider is like the worst comic ever to be made into a movie.  I'd rather watch a film version of Time Beavers or Boris the Bear than even have to know that this movie is lumbering somewhere out there ready to be shown on a screen.  If there was ever an argument for atheism this must be it.

I hate that I don't hate you Chris Evans

Can't....break....eye.....contact

                                            
Chris Evans is fucking impossible to hate.  Believe me, I've tried.  And it shouldn't be that hard considering he was Johnny Storm in both Fantastic Fours which were so unwatchable you'd have to strap me into that chair from A Clockwork Orange to get me to see a third one. 

And yet despite having this on his resume Chris Evans still seems to garner respect from me.  Is it the fact that he was Casey Jones in TMNT?  Maybe.  Was it because his killer version of Jensen in The Losers?  Shut up.  Is it because Captain America rocked almost as hard as the real America?  Yeah, maybe.
But something still rubs me the wrong way about this guy and I don't know if it's his good looks, his ridiculous physique, or his good looks but I think it must be the fact that I don't have any of those things.  Jealousy?  No.  Avarice?  Possibly.

I think it's because he's, like, the anti-Ryan Reynolds.  They both sit on the same point on the bell curve of movie acting but everything one touches turns to awesome chocolate plated gold (when you finish with the chocolate, holy shit gold!) while the other has killed more superheroes than the Secret Wars.

There's no question that if we went to High School together he'd be dunking my head in toilets so much that I'd be convinced he'd mistaken me for a toilet brush, and yet despite the pile of Indian burns this guy would gift me in gym class I can't help but still like him. 

So fuck you Chris Evans, I don't like not knowing why I like things and that's why you're a jerk.  Also, your mother.

Cram It Shanghai, Cram It Wherever You Cram Things!

Men of Shanghai, if I ever hear about how much your commute sucks I'm going have you beaten on your kidneys with taffy mallets until you piss blood.  The only thing I have worth looking at on my train to work is when the local celebrity who has two big toes on each foot wears sandals and the occasional girl who is risque enough to show her ankles.  Living in Singapore is like being surrounded by Asian Amish folk.
 
The worst part of this whole thing is that there's actually people outraged in Shanghai about a girl changing clothes on their subway.  Re-read that last sentence.  I KNOW, RIGHT!?  I'm outraged too!  Outraged that she didn't get completely naked or at the very least wear thong instead of the gigantic grandma underwear that seems so popular among ladies of all ages out here.

As you enter the train, mind the gap 

And these aren't regular women, they're Asian women.  The greatest women in the world.  If this were in Greece somewhere I could understand the problem, those chicks look like wookies with hamburger for faces, but this is an exotic dame of the Orient in with a BJPT* and 8 inch heals!!!  Needless to say I'm not so scandalized to ask for a transfer to there.

Dude, who are you texting?


*Blow job ponytails

Reboots

Action Comics #1 rebooted.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Is truly nothing sacred... they brought back Barry Allen, they brought back Hal Jordan and made the 'yellow' a parallax based weakness in the Oan battery.  They even exchanged Peter Parker for Ben Reilly, his clone (different 'they' this time)!  But this shit is one step over the line.  How the fuck is this going to turn out?



             

                       Boot



Reboot

                                                        

Ok, short sleeves.  Got it.  Brilliant.  Thank you Rags Morales.  And don't tell me that they need to capture new readers because they are going to seriously alienate the people who have already invested decades of reading these story lines.  You know those guys, the guys who still actually buy comic books.  Dude, we argue over the most basic minutia of those reams upon reams of stories, and now all that effort is gone to waste because, in the DC universe, it never happened.
The real question is how come they never reboot shit that would actually be helpful?  Here's a list:

1. The Vietnam War
2. Algebra
3. My High School years
4. That night, you know which one...
5. All three of my dates with girls
6. Every season when the Yankees win the Super Bowl (sorry, I'm not a sports guy.  Gooooaaaal!)

 And those are just a few things that need reworking more than the DC universe.  Boy I wonder how Starro the Conqueror is gonna turn out!  (spoiler alert: Still sucks!)

Don't Point Break My Heart... or "The Shit They Pull, huh?!"

Ah, a Point Break remake.  It's like there's a machine in Hollywood that was programmed to come up with the worst movie ideas ever and it's stuck on 'High Output'.  This idea is so putrescent-ly bad I'm amazed that it won't be shot as a musical to capture those kids who love Glee, or have a Bodhi/Johnny Utah love scene to capture those kids who love Glee.  I mean what the shit is going on?  It's the two year anniversary of Patrick Swayze's death so they wanted to celebrate it by making his corpse roll over... Can't wait for the Dirty Dancing porn homage. 

But hey, don't worry, it's not going to be a shot for shot remake!  Instead they'll be extreme sports nuts and it's going to be set in Las Vegas!  Ok, so it's not Point Break, it's Point Break plus Drop Zone divided by XXX.  Well, at least you didn't make the sequel where Bodhi lives and a surfing Navy SEAL has to infiltrate his new team in Indonesia.  So thanks, I guess. 

"I can feel you eye fucking me"

Smoking Ape Reality Break

As the news of Andy Whitfield's sad death from lymphoma settles over me there's only one thing  that could cheer me up even a little bit (next to Ryan Reynolds being beaten to death with baby Hitler).  And that's a smoking ape!  At the Malaysian zoo in Johor Bahru an orangutang named Shirley has been known to enjoy smoking a cigarette or two in her enclosure.

 Up yours, I'm on my break

First of all I love the ideas of apes smoking cigarettes, but apparently I'm the only one since her handlers want her to quit for her health.  Ah yes, smoking bad, imprisoned in a tiny habitat good.  So far they say that she's handling the lack of smoking well with limited mood swings or acts of rage.  "Yay, less of a habit that I enjoy PLUS a longer life in which to experience my Malaysian prison!  Sure makes me glad I grabbed the banana under that net." she was probably overheard saying.

RIP Spartacus

Today actor Andy Whitfield succumbed to his battle with lympoma in his home in Australia.  While I've long maintained that the fight scenes in Spartacus were the bastard love child of 300 and Gladiator, if the two were close blood relatives, Mr. Whitfield's performance throughout the series was pretty badass as he crushed his enemies, saw them driven before him, and heard the lamentation of the women.  When this guy wasn't busy raising the he-man index for the rest of us he was successfully out Russel Crowe-ing Russel Crowe. 
I've very sorry to hear of his passing, he will be missed.

I've killed more people than cholera

SpongeBob in "Hot Water"

Oh mainstream yahoo news, your puns slay me!  However, it turns out that watching just 9 minutes of SB will shorten children's short term memories, a recent study says.  Seriously, did anyone have some sort of doubt that allowing kids to watch SpongeBob might not have ill effects on them?  I mean look at him...

Seems educational

  I'm not advocating that we ban him but come on, I watched Ren and Stimpy when I was younger and at no point was I convinced that I wasn't doing severe long term damage to my brain, morals, and whatever else Republicans try to legislate.  Listen, if you have kids who watch SpongeBob then you are probably old enough to remember Loony Tunes, and this is no Loony Tunes.  There we can learn how to strap rockets to desert animals, dress rabbits like hot, sexy dames, and hit a duck so hard his beak revolves around his head like a freakin' propeller.  Now THAT'S entertainment that won't endumben you!                        

George Lucas You Monster

Not pictured: Sarlacc pit

                                            

For those of you not aware George Lucas is building a new office in Singapore (where I live) designed to look like a giant Sandcrawler.  Holy shit!  I just read that last sentence, is that true?!  Please tell me I didn't just make that up, because the same person that grabbed both of my ears and shoved Jar Jar Binks down my throat like he thought I had control of my gag reflex like Shyla Styles could not possibly possess the creativity to have something this gorgeous built! 
I'm feeling light headed.  Just look at it!  I bet none of the doors on the trash compactors on the detention level have locks!  Man, that would be awesome.  Personally, I can't wait until it opens because there are about 800,000 Muslim women in this country (all very nice and have great senses of humor), many of which wear headscarves that will make this look so much more authentic when they walk by!

Not Jawas, don't be a dick

What's even more realistic about this thing is that Singapore is actually hotter than Tatooine, so it's gonna feel pretty real.  I don't know when they're breaking ground here or where this is going up but I can tell you that it'll be hard not to throw eggs at it nightly until Lucasfilm fires that incompetent fat guy with the beard that keeps ruining Darth Vader.  "Nooooooooooooo!" he cries in my dreams.