Saturday, 8 October 2011

Shalom Bitches!

One to beam up
I have moved my might blog to so if you want to experience any more scientific proof regarding the level of suckage that Ryan Reynolds achieves head on over to the site that isn't 99% mothers posting pix of their kids. 

Thursday, 29 September 2011

Robert Pattinson Set To Release Album

Sucks on and off the screen
Yeah, you read that right.  And you know it's true because news this bad can't possibly be a mistake.  Apparently after years of offending America's eyes with his 'acting' this choate is now determined to infect our ears with his patented brand of awfulness. I know that Britain is our closest ally but personally I think that if they drop this album on our unsuspecting country it should be considered an act of war.  In related news, his publicist has yet to comment on the rumors that the album cover will feature three Greek boys having sex with each other.

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Blue Beetle: Champion of Alliteration Returns!

$2.99? That's how much you're going to pay me to read this, right?
There are just certain heroes that cannot be reworked no matter how many bulls you sacrifice to Ploticus, the Roman God of good writing.  And if there's one in the DC Universe it's got to be Starman.  That guy stinks on ice!  But coming in only a second or two after him is the Blue Beetle and only a filthy commie would disagree.  I don't care if the cover of his new reboot had him punching Doomsday in the dick while curing cancer, he's more boring-er than The Accountants for Abstinence. 

I mean sure, they clearly clad him in an edgy new uniform and gave him new powers, but unless those gun-hands shoot candy into my lap or his new powers allow him to transform into someone more interesting I'll skip this title and just cram a stick in my eye, but thanks anyway!

Grud on a Greenie and Drokk Me Running!!!

OK Stallone, put the script down...
I know I can be a bit negative at times, and for that I am sorry (that you're such a sensitive d-bag), but fuck the sour puss today because I just had a geek-gasm in my pants. There's going to be a new Judge Dredd movie and Karl Urban is going to star in it?!?!?  How the hell do I miss shit like this?!   Oh.  My.  Grud.  Now that guy's got one sweet mug but I hope they keep that helmet on him the whole time and avoid the problems that the original had.  Keeping Rob Schneider at bay is like half the battle right there.

You know, there are so many ways to screw up this movie, but who cares, I'm throwing caution to the wind and letting the geek flag fly!  This is sweeter than Umpty Candy, more exciting than Boing, and as invigorating as a freshly cut Stookie gland, and Grud willing this will be the stomm! 

If you can't understand a word of this, and unless you're a 35 year old virgin you can't, click here and here.

Where do I put this?  Do you really want to know lawbreaker!?

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Anne Hathaway Discovers Boner Cure!

Anne Hathaway on the set of "Dark Knight Rises"
Keep your eyes closed, there may be a mirror around and you don't want to see how you look
 Had you told me just a few hours ago that Anne Hathaway in a Catwoman suit would have boner-shrinking properties I would have punched you in your mouth.  Punched you good!  And yet one glance at the above pic and I stand corrected.  Remember when this was the worst Catwoman you'd ever seen?

 Yeah.  I know.  I never thought I'd be looking at that with feelings of nostalgia.  My God, I miss Eartha Kitt so much right now that I'm actually considering downloading Boomerang for masturbation purposes.  Seriously.  Just to prove to myself that I can still get a hard on.  How difficult is it to dress Hathaway here in black leather and make it sexy, this shit ain't calculus!

Monday, 26 September 2011

Breaking News: REM Breaks Up! Also, REM Were Still Together!!!

Back when musicians actually played instruments
 REM, the indie band from Cretaceous period, has broken up this week which is pretty big news since they formed around the same time as the earth did.  I mean they were together back when the term 'trio' was still popular in music which must be around the same time my Grandfather killed his first German.  Frankly, I can't believe they stayed together this long, how sad is it that REM lasted longer than most marriages? 

What's also impressive is that a band that looks like the science department from a Jr College managed to achieve mainstream success.  But, despite their "widespread appeal" they have finally decided to call it quits for what I'm assuming is to spend more time with their grand kids.  When approached for a comment the president of their fan club was heard saying "The nurses are stealing my meds!"

Power Girl, Why You No Real?!

If there's one thing that I instinctively understand it's gotta be Power Girl.  How on Earth-2 can we not get a movie about this dame green lit?  It's like every time I watch a movie trailer Morgan Freeman is either narrating or starring in it.  Don't get me wrong, he's talented and all but come on, can't he just sit one out and let the studio devote a little time to Kara Zor-L?  Here's what she looks like by the way:

My eyes are right here
You see what I'm saying right?  She makes Wonder Woman look Maggie Gyllenhaal, who is so ugly that she  makes Jake Gyllenhaal look like Jamie Chung.  Who thought that chick would be good enough for Bruce Wayne anyway?  But I digress.  Hollywood, could you please take a few moments from rehashing and gang raping the entertainment from my youth to have a meeting regarding this?  You won't?!  Then screw you!