I hate that I don't hate you Chris Evans

Can't....break....eye.....contact

                                            
Chris Evans is fucking impossible to hate.  Believe me, I've tried.  And it shouldn't be that hard considering he was Johnny Storm in both Fantastic Fours which were so unwatchable you'd have to strap me into that chair from A Clockwork Orange to get me to see a third one. 

And yet despite having this on his resume Chris Evans still seems to garner respect from me.  Is it the fact that he was Casey Jones in TMNT?  Maybe.  Was it because his killer version of Jensen in The Losers?  Shut up.  Is it because Captain America rocked almost as hard as the real America?  Yeah, maybe.
But something still rubs me the wrong way about this guy and I don't know if it's his good looks, his ridiculous physique, or his good looks but I think it must be the fact that I don't have any of those things.  Jealousy?  No.  Avarice?  Possibly.

I think it's because he's, like, the anti-Ryan Reynolds.  They both sit on the same point on the bell curve of movie acting but everything one touches turns to awesome chocolate plated gold (when you finish with the chocolate, holy shit gold!) while the other has killed more superheroes than the Secret Wars.

There's no question that if we went to High School together he'd be dunking my head in toilets so much that I'd be convinced he'd mistaken me for a toilet brush, and yet despite the pile of Indian burns this guy would gift me in gym class I can't help but still like him. 

So fuck you Chris Evans, I don't like not knowing why I like things and that's why you're a jerk.  Also, your mother.